Today was my bsfs birthday ᰔ! I went to get her her favorite food (Korean corn dogs) from the only place in my city that sells them (which was like a 40-minute drive (╥﹏╥)). But it’s okay because I love my bsf n she's worth it! Anyway, the place actually is a matcha cafe that just happens to sell Korean corn dogs! So being there, I decided to try matcha for the first time...

I WILL NEVER DRINK MATCHA AGAIN IN MY LIFE! ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡

If you like matcha, im so sorry, but idk how y'all even drink that shi. Idk, maybe I ordered the wrong thing, but it was literally just a matcha latte?? I was so excited to try it too bc it looks so pretty and like it tastes good, but it was so chalky and literally tasted like grass.

At the beginning of 2025, I wrote a letter to my future self (aka me now). I prompted myself to tape it closed and re-open/read it at the end of the year on December 31st, which is today. I just wrote the letter for fun because one of my resolutions for 2025 was to journal more, and I thought it would be something to keep me motivated or give me something small to look forward to later. But I re-read the letter today, and it actually surprised me how much I've changed this year without even realizing it. I won't include a response on here to some things in my letter just because it's personal, but here are the parts I'd like to share. > :)

In my letter, the first thing I brought up was that I was struggling with my gender identity and finding a label that fit me. I felt like I had to put a label on myself to really know who I was. For years, I identified as a trans guy because I didn’t feel feminine enough to be a girl, and I connected more with what guys my age were interested in. I was obsessed with trying to look more masculine, so I cut my hair, I wore baggier clothes, etc. But after a while, I realized I still liked wearing makeup and dressing feminine, and I really, really wanted to connect with other girls my age. I knew I wasn't a boy, but I also didn’t feel like a girl, so it just left me confused and obsessed with trying to find my gender identity.

What's crazy to me, reading this back, is that something that meant a lot to me at the beginning of the year is something I really don't care about at all anymore. I've realised that im okay with not putting a label on myself and just being me. I feel like labels are more for other people to perceive you in the way that you want to be perceived, and I think it’s amazing if it brings comfort or a sense of identity to other people. But me personally, I’ve realized just don't care for how other people perceive my gender identity. As long as Im comfortable with who I am, that's all that matters to me.

I also did a New Year's tarot reading for myself and wrote the results down. The main message was not to force situations, and what is meant to be will be. In the past, I think I've always put a little too much effort into trying to maintain relationships, friendships, and situations that just aren't meant for me. And in doing that, I'd end up emotionally hurting myself more than if I had just let them fade naturally. idk if it was in my subconscious this year from doing the tarot reading, or if it was just a coincidence, but I think I did a good job at just letting things be in 2025.

I think this year overall was a big year for being okay with not having control of things. At the beginning of the year, I was so full of ambition and hope, and I was ready to do anything to get where I want to be, but now im okay with just seeing where life takes me. Of course, I still have my ambition and my passion to achieve my goals, but at the same time, I've realized that dreams don't always work out, and I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to think that way. Im just not so stressed anymore about trying to become exactly who I want to be. Im still working towards it, just not in a way that will break me if I don't achieve my goals. I think being more consistent with journaling in 2025 has helped me find that sense of tranquility.